The Mama Bear in Me

So ever since my sweet baby boys have come into this world I cannot handle seeing a baby get hurt. I am not just talking about human babies, but babies of any kind.....

I was watching the movie "Penguins of Madagascar" and the part where the penguin smacks a baby squid made me so sad! I am loosing my mind! 

I can't even watch videos on Facebook or Youtube were a baby is sad. I feel like that crazy cat lady on Youtube who cries because she loves cats so much..... I LOVE BABIES AND I JUST WANT TO HUG THEM AND LOVE THEM.

I think I am finally understanding what my mother meant when she said," you will only understand when you have your own kids." 

Well mom, I finally understand!!

When you become a mom emotionally, it opens a world you never thought existed. A desire to protect every little baby in the world all of a sudden comes out of no where and you find your heart breaking as a child suffers on a movie. You want to adopt all the children in the world that don't know love and you can't stand to think about killing pests because they might have babies that will die without their parents......

I say emotionally because being a mom is not just the physical fact that the baby came out of you, but the emotional connection you have to that baby. For some the emotional connection takes a bit and for others it happens the minute the doctor pulls the purple alien looking thing from the lower half. It took me a bit to be emotionally connected to my boys, about a week, but the overwhelming feeling of love is something that cannot be explained. My boys are my world and it is hard to think that I ever lived without them. I am a better person because of them.... So weird, yet so amazing!

On a different note Peder and I were looking at pictures form the day that our babies were born and I finally got them onto my computer so I am going to share them with you all today!!

  

Here is our baby Fynn! Wasn't he so cute!!! 

He is such a perfect little guy

I pretty sure he was wondering why I made him come out of his warm home.

They gave me Fynn just minutes after I had finished pushing out Carsten. Don't I look hot?!

My sweet little Carsten, well he was bigger than Fynn then. 

Just before they wheeled me out of the OR they gave me my two boys to hold as they took me to my recovery room. They are so small!!!

Here we are just chilling in the recover room after our first night tougher. Who is that hot lady in the bed, oh wait! That is me! ;) 

Fynn in his CUTE hat. He is so much bigger now. It is hard to believe he was ever this small. 

Carsten and his cute button nose!

The flowers I got from great people! Peder gave me ones on the left, then a good friend, who was in the hospital the same day I was having surgery on his leg, brought me the roses the same day he got out of surgery, and then my Aunt Jill gave me the ones on the right. 

What a great experience it is to be a mother. I feel sorry for those women who choose not to be a mother. They have no idea the love and joy they are missing out on. 

I Can Do Hard Things

Me Plus Two

My new life is something that no one could have prepared me for. My body is covered in dark purple stretch marks, my back side has grown two sizes, and my front "milk bags" are so large that I often feel like they are going to smack me in the face every time I go at a faster pace than a walk. I have to tiny babies that rely on me for everything and I am in diapers up to my eyeballs. 

The first two weeks after my babies were born I struggled with the stress of finishing my Master's degree and the baby blues. After I had finished my last final ever, I thought the baby blues would go away, and for for a while it did. Who knew that it was something that wasn't constant. This last week the blues hit me again and all of a sudden the cries of my babies are making me crazy. My heart hurts to think I could feel frustrated with my babies, how could I feel that way about my flesh and blood? Why am I not over the moon about my babies? Why can't I find happiness in every second with my children?

I feel like I should be able to handle two babies. Everyone says that I am so amazing and strong, but there are so many instance in my days that I don't feel so amazing or strong. There are days when I am over joyed the my babies are finally asleep for the night and at the same time dreading the next day knowing that it will all start again. Don't get me wrong I love my boys. Their sweet smiles and laughter make me so happy, but the change from being just a party of two to a party of four has shaken me. 

I always wanted children. There was no doubt that I would have then. I don't regret having kids either. These boys are my world, but going from a world were my life was lived from semester to semester and constantly changing to a world were everyday is pretty much like the next has just been a shock to the system. 

I have been so blessed to be surrounded by so many people willing to help me in this new life. My amazing husband who does all he can after working a 10 hour day and driving for 3 hours, sweet sisters in my ward who are so kind and willing to watch my boys so I can get things done, dear friends who drive from far away to help me because I can't do it alone. They say it takes a village to raise a child, but I feel like I need a small city to get the job done. I am learning that I cannot do it on my own and I am learning to ask for help. Help...... this has been a truly humbling experience for me.

The missionaries knocked on my door today and I could tell they didn't know that I was already a member as they did a door approach. They were sweet when they found out my husband was the ward mission leader and asked if they could share a scripture with me. It was in Alma were Aaron is teaching Lamoni's Father about the Gospel. It talked about Christ and how he is everything and without him we would be lost. I began to cry as my mind turned to my children and my frustration with myself. I have been relying on my own strength. Trying to do it all by myself..... It hit me that I don't have to do it by myself and that Christ is always there for me to help strengthen me so I can do hard things. I realized that I needed to stop thinking about how hard things were and how frustrated I was and let Christ lift me. 

On the mission I had to remind myself that I could do hard things as long as I relied on the strength of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Now I find myself in a similar situation were I have to do something hard and the Lord sent these missionaries to remind me that I can do hard things if I rely on a greater strength than my own. I can be a mother of twins, I can be a wife, sister, daughter, and friend. I can do all that is required of me and I can ask for help. Help doesn't mean I am weak, It just means there is somethings that I cannot do on my own and can be done if someone else comes to assist me. 

The baby blues will fade and I will find joy as I look to a greater power. I am a mother of two and I can do it not on my own! I am strong and amazing because others are strong and amazing! 

The Daily Pump

Everyday I feel like my soul is being sucked out of my body by a tiny little machine called a Freemie........

You never realize how much you are required to sacrifice to have kids until they are there in your arms looking at you and expecting you to feed them, change them, and cloth them every three hours. On top of that they want you to hold them and entertain them until they fall asleep. Sleep!! Sweet sleep, however their sleeping only means that now you have to hurry and do all the things you need to before they wake-up. Most of their sleeping hours consist of me sitting on my couch pumping....and pumping..... and pumping......
Once the soul sucking is over I have to rush and do the laundry or clean something so my house doesn't fill with clutter and start to stink, but really all I want to do is crash on the couch and sleep for the rest of my life. It is pretty exhausting being a new mother of two, but those moments don't mean anything when I see my sweet boys smile at me.

Fynn weighing in at 9 lbs. 10 oz

Carsten weighing in at 9 lbs

These boys are my world and I could not ask for a better one! They have been smiling and chatting for weeks! They love to talk to me or anyone that holds them. Sometimes they will just sit in their swings and chat at the sealing. Fynn rolled over from his back to his tummy last tuesday and every since then he keeps trying to roll. Carsten is still spitting up, but it is not as bad as it used to be so we are hoping he puts on some weight. They both sit up and stand up holding their heads high. They both want to be mobile so bad that sometimes they will fuss until you stand him up on your lap.

They are three months old today!!

I have heard it said many times that twins are hard the first year, but to me they have been so great! These two are some of the best babies a mother could ask for. They sleep through the night waking up at 6 or 6:30 a.m. They love going for walks in the stroller and enjoy laying out on a blanket in the shade watching the clouds go by. I could spend hours just holding them in my arms. 

I have changed so much as well. It's hard for me to watch parts in shows where little children are crying or hurt. My heart starts to hurt and then I just clutch my babies close. It is like the mama bear in me wants to protect all little children everywhere. I look at my boys and start to cry because they are so precious and they are mine. These two are growing up way to fast and it has only been three months. When we are away from them I never stop worrying about them or stop missing them. It's hard to really enjoy any kind of time form them because I am constantly thinking about them. 

God has blessed us so much! These boys have Peder and I wrapped around their fingers. What a great thing motherhood really is. Sure there are hard things like not working or being able to have time to myself, but I have the chance to raise children and to see them learn. There is nothing sweeter then watching someone learn something you taught them or watch them learn something good on their own. 

I couldn't do this without an amazing husband either. He works hard all day long and then comes home to two loud boys and a tired wife. He does dishes and takes care of the dogs. He helps with laundry and cleaning the house on his days off. He fulfills his callings and serves others with his talents. He hardly takes anytime for himself. He is my rock..... I could never ever ask for a better life than the one I have right now. God has given me so much and I can never, ever thank Him enough. 

What a Wonderful Life!