Let Patience Have Her Perfect Work

           I was in my last year of graduate school when I became pregnant. When we found out we were having twins I couldn’t have been more excited, I even started to cry right there on the table. My husband on the other hand was freaked out and almost punched the ultra sound tech in the face. 

            My last year of grad school consisted of one semester of pure research and then one semester of the theory of sociology and writing my thesis. I would often get so distracted by school, I would forget that I was having twins, until my last semester when it was too obvious to miss. I couldn’t walk up a flight of stairs without feeling like I had just run a marathon, there was a large, round belly that protruded from my front, there were two babies that were living on my bladder and in my ribs, and I couldn’t sit in a school desk anymore because I couldn’t fit…..

            Due to an amazing professor and committee, I was able to defend my thesis a month before my boys arrived, but not so luckily, I still had a final to take two weeks after the boys were born.

            During my pregnancy I did not feel as attached to my babies as I had heard some women were. I was not prepping a baby room or buying lots of stuff. When they were born I did not cry for joy when I saw my little boys, and did not feel an over whelming love for them as I thought I would feel. I did not feel that mantel of motherhood fall upon me like I thought it would.

            Don’t get me wrong, I did cry when I held my boys for the first time, but I didn’t feel like I expected to feel, like I had seen on TV. I felt lacking somehow….

            When we got home I struggled. I knew I loved my babies, but I didn’t feel attached to them. I didn’t feel like a mother, I just felt like the bearer of babies and a dairy cow.  I was so depressed. I knew that some of my depression came from prepping for my final and editing my thesis, but there was something else that wouldn’t allow me to be happy.

            I had post-partum depression bad, and I didn’t know what to do. There were days when I thought I would go crazy. Days when I thought about taking one of my babies and running away so I didn’t have to deal with two.  Days when I just wanted to run away and start a new life without babies.

            It was so hard to enjoy the sweet moments that I had with my boys. I would try to treasure holding them or seeing their sweet smiles, but it was so hard to be happy with my life. I felt so low and miserable and just when I thought I was getting better something would happen to bring me down again.

            One day I called a dear friend of mine that is a trained psychiatrist. We talked for a bit about how I was feeling and then he suggested that I read James 1. James 1:5 is a pretty well known scripture, but the verses he wanted me to read were 2-4. I felt doubt as I opened my scriptures. Doubt that there was anything that could help me, doubt that simple words could cure me of what I was feeling, but I gave it a try.

            After a quick prayer, I opened my scriptures and read.

“2 My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;

 3 Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.

 4 But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and      

    entire, wanting nothing.”

           

             I was facing diverse temptations. I was dealing with things so hard that it seemed they would engulf me, but this scripture was telling me that I should find joy in them. I didn’t know if this time I could find joy in my situation, but I read on hoping find out how I could achieve such an end.

            It was verse 4 where I found the answer. It said,” the trying of my faith works patience and that patience should have its perfect work.” Patients was the key to the joy I was missing. I had been so impatient with myself. The entire time, I had been thinking of what a failure I was as a wife, mother, sister, daughter, student, and human being. I thought I should have been able to do it all, that I needed to do it all, and I couldn’t. I was impatient with my boys for not being better babies or learning what I thought they should be learning. I was impatient with the world and that was causing me to stress and be depressed because I was not meeting my own unrealistic expectations.

            As I pondered on the word patience words like peace, calm, and love sprung to my mind and I realized that those emotions were the exact opposite to what I was feeling. I felt angry, rushed, and anxious. It was then that I realized that if I was going to find joy in my life again I needed to learn patience. I need to learn to be patient with my children, my husband, the world, and myself. I needed to calm my soul and just enjoy each moment as it came. I needed to laugh things off and not let the little things drag me down.

            I realized that I needed to let patience have her perfect work, so that I could be perfect through her.  When I allowed myself to relax and let myself be patient, I felt like I could breath for the first time. I began to laugh at the small little things that went wrong, instead of letting it get me down, and I began to enjoy each moment as it came. My mind slowly cleared over the next few weeks and I began to find joy, true joy, in my life once more.

            I know there are still going to be days when it seems like we are just asked to do more than I have strength, and it is those moments I like to remember what Nephi said when faced with tasks to large. “For the Lord giveth no commandment unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them (1 Nephi 3:7).”  When Heavenly Father gives us a task or twins or any other kind of duty, He will always prepare a way for us to do what we have to, He will strengthen us to complete the task.

            We will never be left without a way to achieve what we need to do. We will never be left without help as long as we seek to do our best, be patient, and allow God to work His perfect work.

Life is so Precious

Last Thursday I was cleaning my kitchen, and feeling accomplished because I had worked out that morning and had been productive most of the day, when I got a call from, my sister Desirae. As soon as she started talking I knew something was wrong, and I knew it had to do with Janet. At first, I thought she was joking, because my family is twisted that way, but her persistence made it clear that there was no joke in her words.

I had Carsten in my arms when she called, and as I fell to my knees in tears my sweet sympathetic baby started to cry with me. He looked at me with his sad, tear filled eyes, and I could see him questioning my sadness. I reassured him that everything was ok and his tears slowed, but I kept crying as Des told me how it happened, as my heart broke with each word. I couldn't stop thinking that this was all impossible, that Janet couldn't really be gone, and that the story was about some other person, a person that wasn't my sister.

The following hours and days consisted of decisions and funeral preparations. Talking to people on the phone, countless tears, and thousands of questions.  During it all I felt so much love and support from friends, family, and Heavenly Father. My mother-in-law sent a beautiful flower arrangement and even Peder's work sent use flowers of condolences and love. People have given generously to help fund my sister's funeral, which has been one of the most amazing gifts we could have received, because none of us were financial prepared for this. (https://www.gofundme.com/prpqhujw)

During all of this I have been reflecting back on my relationship with Janet. Janet was 8 years old when I was born. She was the oldest, and growing-up she was always very involved in sports and friends. One of my earliest memories with Janet was throwing a doll high chair at her because she had done something to make me mad. I remember her teaching me about heaven when my bunny died, and encouraging me to jump off the top of the very tall shed onto our trampoline. I remember her laughing and being the only one that could stand up to Joe. She taught me the importance of working hard for your dreams. Janet was always very talented at sports. She was a soccer star, track star, and basketball star. She was amazing! There was a lot of time when she was in high school that I don't remember spending much time with her and of course there are memories I would rather forget.

Before I left on my mission Janet and I were not super close. She had chosen to live a life I did not understand and I did not know how to talk to her. However, when I came home after 18 months in Africa, our relationship grew. We became close and talked all the time. It was a time of healing for both of us.

Leaving Janet and her new family was one of the hardest things for me to do. I knew we had to move to Cache Valley, but I spent many nights crying knowing that I had to leave my sister and the new bond that we had created. Every time we talked on the phone after we moved, I just wanted to pack up and go back to Idaho so I could be close to her again. I tried countless times to get her and her family to move down here, but it was fruitless because they had their life up there that they loved, but I missed her so much........

The last 6 months or so something was wrong. Janet was not her normal self. She was struggling, making bad choices, and causing pain to those who loved her. I didn't know how to help, no one knew how to help. It has been a hard road, this has been a hard time, but I will never forget Janet's easy laugh, and beautiful smile. I will remember her as I knew her happy, energetic, and always making jokes and silly voices. She was an amazing person, that despite her countless health issues, still found beauty in each day. I will miss her so much....... She never got to hold my babies, but I know that someday we will all be reunited. I know that she is with her favorite person in heaven, my sweet Grandma Virginia. I know that Grandma and Janet are laughing and Janet is singing, "Hey good look'n, what you got cook'n?" to Grandma, while Grandma is making silly faces. I know she is safe and free from pain. I know I will be with her again!

God be with you till we meet again......

I wonder if everyone has a moment in life when they realize that they really aren't good at anything..... It has hit me today, as I have been pondering my life, that I am not really good at one single thing. I am ok at a lot of different things, but there is not one thing that I excel at. I am ok at writing, singing, dancing, playing the piano, being nice to people, working, and playing sports. I have never really applied myself to anything for a long period of time.

I played the cello for a few years, but after a semester at college that fizzled out. I played soccer till I was in high school, but that to died. I never really tried hard to be good at pole vaulting or playing the french horn. I only gave the bare minimum in anyone of my classes and in the classes that I did try hard I only received ok marks. I excelled at fencing or plant identification. I only had an ok GPA in grad school and even my GRE scores were nothing to be admired. I can draw, but I gave that up because it took to much time. In a word I am Lazy!

Everywhere I look I see amazing cooks and motivational speakers. I see women who work hard at their jobs or at bettering their minds. I see women that look beautiful and now how to dress nice. I see women other people like to be around and invite to things because they are personable and friendly. Then I look in the mirror and see me. Plain old Jamilee, the girl that pretends is only good at one thing, pretending.

I know everything thinks," Oh, under the surface everyone is struggling and doesn't think they are good at anything." I say that is BS! Their are millions of people out there that are working hard at one thing and are doing amazing at it. There are people that don't give up because it is hard. Their are people out there that excel.

The way I see it there are people out there that are colorful and full of life and passion and then there is everyone else, people who are gray and dull full of nothing but failed attempts and little ambition.

"But Jamie you have a bachelors degree and your finishing your master's degree. You have ambition and drive."

No. All I have is a piece of paper that means that I did the bare minimum for three years and fooled them into letting me graduate. I want to be better than this. I want to be one of those colorful people that burst with passion. I want to let go of my laziness and achieve more in my life. I want to break free from my couch and TV stupor and be the solution!

I want to write well. I want to motivate out of love. I want to be a person that other like. I want to be beautiful and well dressed.

I think the real problem is that I have not found the thing that I am good at. I have been doing things that I thought I would like to do, but I have not found that one thing that I love to do.

I know this is supposed to be a blog about our family, but I guess this is turning into my personal page. I don't care if anyone reads this. In fact I am not even going to post this anywhere, but here.

I know that God loves me. I know I am good at things. I know that no matter what I am not a failure if I keep on doing what I can. I may not be good at everything that I want to be, but each day that I wake-up and start my day with a smile I am a better person for it.

I can be more and I can stop being lazy. It is time to let go of my desires for easy and relish in the hard... After all I don't want my children to always be looking for the easy way out. I want them to dive head first into challenges and find joy in the pain of hard work. I have to be that example.

The Mama Bear in Me

So ever since my sweet baby boys have come into this world I cannot handle seeing a baby get hurt. I am not just talking about human babies, but babies of any kind.....

I was watching the movie "Penguins of Madagascar" and the part where the penguin smacks a baby squid made me so sad! I am loosing my mind! 

I can't even watch videos on Facebook or Youtube were a baby is sad. I feel like that crazy cat lady on Youtube who cries because she loves cats so much..... I LOVE BABIES AND I JUST WANT TO HUG THEM AND LOVE THEM.

I think I am finally understanding what my mother meant when she said," you will only understand when you have your own kids." 

Well mom, I finally understand!!

When you become a mom emotionally, it opens a world you never thought existed. A desire to protect every little baby in the world all of a sudden comes out of no where and you find your heart breaking as a child suffers on a movie. You want to adopt all the children in the world that don't know love and you can't stand to think about killing pests because they might have babies that will die without their parents......

I say emotionally because being a mom is not just the physical fact that the baby came out of you, but the emotional connection you have to that baby. For some the emotional connection takes a bit and for others it happens the minute the doctor pulls the purple alien looking thing from the lower half. It took me a bit to be emotionally connected to my boys, about a week, but the overwhelming feeling of love is something that cannot be explained. My boys are my world and it is hard to think that I ever lived without them. I am a better person because of them.... So weird, yet so amazing!

On a different note Peder and I were looking at pictures form the day that our babies were born and I finally got them onto my computer so I am going to share them with you all today!!

  

Here is our baby Fynn! Wasn't he so cute!!! 

He is such a perfect little guy

I pretty sure he was wondering why I made him come out of his warm home.

They gave me Fynn just minutes after I had finished pushing out Carsten. Don't I look hot?!

My sweet little Carsten, well he was bigger than Fynn then. 

Just before they wheeled me out of the OR they gave me my two boys to hold as they took me to my recovery room. They are so small!!!

Here we are just chilling in the recover room after our first night tougher. Who is that hot lady in the bed, oh wait! That is me! ;) 

Fynn in his CUTE hat. He is so much bigger now. It is hard to believe he was ever this small. 

Carsten and his cute button nose!

The flowers I got from great people! Peder gave me ones on the left, then a good friend, who was in the hospital the same day I was having surgery on his leg, brought me the roses the same day he got out of surgery, and then my Aunt Jill gave me the ones on the right. 

What a great experience it is to be a mother. I feel sorry for those women who choose not to be a mother. They have no idea the love and joy they are missing out on. 

I Can Do Hard Things

Me Plus Two

My new life is something that no one could have prepared me for. My body is covered in dark purple stretch marks, my back side has grown two sizes, and my front "milk bags" are so large that I often feel like they are going to smack me in the face every time I go at a faster pace than a walk. I have to tiny babies that rely on me for everything and I am in diapers up to my eyeballs. 

The first two weeks after my babies were born I struggled with the stress of finishing my Master's degree and the baby blues. After I had finished my last final ever, I thought the baby blues would go away, and for for a while it did. Who knew that it was something that wasn't constant. This last week the blues hit me again and all of a sudden the cries of my babies are making me crazy. My heart hurts to think I could feel frustrated with my babies, how could I feel that way about my flesh and blood? Why am I not over the moon about my babies? Why can't I find happiness in every second with my children?

I feel like I should be able to handle two babies. Everyone says that I am so amazing and strong, but there are so many instance in my days that I don't feel so amazing or strong. There are days when I am over joyed the my babies are finally asleep for the night and at the same time dreading the next day knowing that it will all start again. Don't get me wrong I love my boys. Their sweet smiles and laughter make me so happy, but the change from being just a party of two to a party of four has shaken me. 

I always wanted children. There was no doubt that I would have then. I don't regret having kids either. These boys are my world, but going from a world were my life was lived from semester to semester and constantly changing to a world were everyday is pretty much like the next has just been a shock to the system. 

I have been so blessed to be surrounded by so many people willing to help me in this new life. My amazing husband who does all he can after working a 10 hour day and driving for 3 hours, sweet sisters in my ward who are so kind and willing to watch my boys so I can get things done, dear friends who drive from far away to help me because I can't do it alone. They say it takes a village to raise a child, but I feel like I need a small city to get the job done. I am learning that I cannot do it on my own and I am learning to ask for help. Help...... this has been a truly humbling experience for me.

The missionaries knocked on my door today and I could tell they didn't know that I was already a member as they did a door approach. They were sweet when they found out my husband was the ward mission leader and asked if they could share a scripture with me. It was in Alma were Aaron is teaching Lamoni's Father about the Gospel. It talked about Christ and how he is everything and without him we would be lost. I began to cry as my mind turned to my children and my frustration with myself. I have been relying on my own strength. Trying to do it all by myself..... It hit me that I don't have to do it by myself and that Christ is always there for me to help strengthen me so I can do hard things. I realized that I needed to stop thinking about how hard things were and how frustrated I was and let Christ lift me. 

On the mission I had to remind myself that I could do hard things as long as I relied on the strength of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Now I find myself in a similar situation were I have to do something hard and the Lord sent these missionaries to remind me that I can do hard things if I rely on a greater strength than my own. I can be a mother of twins, I can be a wife, sister, daughter, and friend. I can do all that is required of me and I can ask for help. Help doesn't mean I am weak, It just means there is somethings that I cannot do on my own and can be done if someone else comes to assist me. 

The baby blues will fade and I will find joy as I look to a greater power. I am a mother of two and I can do it not on my own! I am strong and amazing because others are strong and amazing! 

The Daily Pump

Everyday I feel like my soul is being sucked out of my body by a tiny little machine called a Freemie........

You never realize how much you are required to sacrifice to have kids until they are there in your arms looking at you and expecting you to feed them, change them, and cloth them every three hours. On top of that they want you to hold them and entertain them until they fall asleep. Sleep!! Sweet sleep, however their sleeping only means that now you have to hurry and do all the things you need to before they wake-up. Most of their sleeping hours consist of me sitting on my couch pumping....and pumping..... and pumping......
Once the soul sucking is over I have to rush and do the laundry or clean something so my house doesn't fill with clutter and start to stink, but really all I want to do is crash on the couch and sleep for the rest of my life. It is pretty exhausting being a new mother of two, but those moments don't mean anything when I see my sweet boys smile at me.

Fynn weighing in at 9 lbs. 10 oz

Carsten weighing in at 9 lbs

These boys are my world and I could not ask for a better one! They have been smiling and chatting for weeks! They love to talk to me or anyone that holds them. Sometimes they will just sit in their swings and chat at the sealing. Fynn rolled over from his back to his tummy last tuesday and every since then he keeps trying to roll. Carsten is still spitting up, but it is not as bad as it used to be so we are hoping he puts on some weight. They both sit up and stand up holding their heads high. They both want to be mobile so bad that sometimes they will fuss until you stand him up on your lap.

They are three months old today!!

I have heard it said many times that twins are hard the first year, but to me they have been so great! These two are some of the best babies a mother could ask for. They sleep through the night waking up at 6 or 6:30 a.m. They love going for walks in the stroller and enjoy laying out on a blanket in the shade watching the clouds go by. I could spend hours just holding them in my arms. 

I have changed so much as well. It's hard for me to watch parts in shows where little children are crying or hurt. My heart starts to hurt and then I just clutch my babies close. It is like the mama bear in me wants to protect all little children everywhere. I look at my boys and start to cry because they are so precious and they are mine. These two are growing up way to fast and it has only been three months. When we are away from them I never stop worrying about them or stop missing them. It's hard to really enjoy any kind of time form them because I am constantly thinking about them. 

God has blessed us so much! These boys have Peder and I wrapped around their fingers. What a great thing motherhood really is. Sure there are hard things like not working or being able to have time to myself, but I have the chance to raise children and to see them learn. There is nothing sweeter then watching someone learn something you taught them or watch them learn something good on their own. 

I couldn't do this without an amazing husband either. He works hard all day long and then comes home to two loud boys and a tired wife. He does dishes and takes care of the dogs. He helps with laundry and cleaning the house on his days off. He fulfills his callings and serves others with his talents. He hardly takes anytime for himself. He is my rock..... I could never ever ask for a better life than the one I have right now. God has given me so much and I can never, ever thank Him enough. 

What a Wonderful Life!

Our Birth Story

So it been a while since I last wrote anything and I really wanted to write down some events and feelings that I had while giving birth and becoming a new mom. 

The Beginning 

I had the hardest time sleeping the night before the boys came. I was so excited and nervous, ready to be done being pregnant and scared out of my mind to be a mother. I called the hospital at 5 a.m. on April 14th to schedule my induction. (I guess the hospital gets overwhelmed with pregnant ladies so they can't schedule a time till the day of the induction to make sure they can fit you in.....it's Utah..)

They told us to come in at 6:30 a.m. I didn't hesitate at that, the sooner the better! So we got up and got ready to go to the hospital. 

Once we got checked in and I had done the normal bathroom rituals they have you do I began the 12 hour journey of becoming a mother of two........

They started the petocin at 7 a.m. and I got an epidural at 9:45 a.m. I wanted to watch them give me the epidural, but they told me to put my head down and not move. They wouldn't even let Peder watch. I guess to many people have passed out. 

Our nurse was amazing!!! Her name was Lori and she was just so wonderful. If I could have her at every birth I have I would. No one tells you this, but you spend most your labor with the nurse and only 5 seconds with the person to whom all your money goes to. They nurse does everything but catch the baby and break your water. Lori was so gentle, kind, and attentive. I could not have asked for a better nurse. 

Once I got the epidural I felt it take affect immediately. First my left leg went numb then my right, all the feeling was gone below my belly button except my bottom. I felt like a druggy because I had to keep hitting the button to get a boost to my epidural so my bottom would stop hurting. It finally stopped and that's when I took a nap. 

I never thought I would take a nap while I was in labor, but really I didn't have anything else to do and I hadn't slept good the night before so I was grateful for the time to sleep. It was actually pretty relaxing laying there in bed. The movies always make it look like this sweaty, crazy experience, when in all reality it is pretty low key. 

They also don't tell you that as soon as your water breaks it doesn't stop flowing!! It just keeps coming and you constantly feels like your wetting yourself.   

Around 4:30 p.m. I was ready to start pushing. I pushed for an hour before they moved me into the the OR.....Have you ever been on an OR table? They are narrow and a little difficult to push on. I had to deliver in the OR just in case they had to do an emergency C-section. It had started snowing and I could see the tiny flakes fall through a window in the OR room. It gave me something to focus my mind on as it seemed the pushing would never end. I think the earth was celebrating the birth of my two angelic boys with a blanket of pure white snow. 

After about an hour in the OR pushing and almost falling of the skinny table Fynn's little head started to come out! They brought a mirror in for me to watch so I could see the progress I was making with each push. It was such an odd feeling seeing my babies be born... I felt a little detached, but as soon as the baby was out it was amazed! The doctor cut the cord and let me look at him. He was so tiny and blue, purple, and white. His cry was so sweet and all I could think was please let him be perfect. He was quickly whisked to a table near by, by one of the many people that were in the room to take care of my babies. 

I didn't have to much time to dwell on my first baby since I had one more little guy to push out. As I looked down I noticed a unbroken membrane sticking out.... this was not good. If the sack broke there was a chance that Carsten's umbilical cord would come down before his head and the doctor would have to operate. Knowing that I wanted to avoid a C-section at all possible she told me to push, hoping that if I break the other sake the head would come out before the cord. Well, it only took three pushes and my second son entered the world. This time Peder got to cut the cord. I felt like a deflated beach ball, but a happy one at that. 

As they cleaned Carsten they laid Fynn on my chest. I was overwhelmed with the sight of a healthy baby and still couldn't believe that he had just come out of me! It was all so unreal..... I was now a mother of two beautiful baby boys. They were so small and perfect..... my little burritos

Fynn was born at 6:45 p.m. weighing 5 lbs. 7 oz. 19 inches long

Carsten was born just 11 minutes later at 6:56 p.m. weighing 6 lbs. 4 oz. 19 inches long

Carsten

Fynn

We were in the hospital for the next two days and let me tell you I didn't want to leave. It was so nice being taken care of and I didn't mind being interrupted every three or so hours. They brought me food and water. I didn't have to clean, it was heavenly. The boys were so sweet and just the best babies. I saw a side of my husband that made me love him more. They way he talked to our boys and took care of them made my heart melt. He was to gentle and loving. Carsten was constantly throwing up his food and Peder's concern was so touching.
The first month I dealt with depression. I was so stressed with school, being a new mom, and having two crying babies. It was a tough struggle and the feelings were so weird. I didn't feel connected to my boys and I just wanted to runaway. Thankfully it passed and I could find happiness being a mom. It helped that the boys started sleeping through the night when they were 6 weeks old.
My mom, sister, mother-in-law, and sister-in-law came during the first month to help me out. My ward was so attentive and helpful. I could not have asked for a better support group then those that have helped me!

Two Months Later

Now my boys are two months old and the tiny little babies that we brought home from the hospital are so big. I can't believe how fast they have grown. They laugh, smile, frown, and make my heart melt. Fynn turned form his stomach to his back when he was 1 month old. They both have such strong necks and love to hold up their heads and look around. They will stand up and Fynn likes to walk up dad's chest one step at a time. I still can't believe that I am a mom and that these are my boys.
I lost most of my belly the first week after the boys were born and yesterday I finally fit into my pre-pregnancy fat pants! I am moving up! I am doing my best to exercise and eat healthy though I struggle to produce enough milk for both boys. It has been a long road of learning and I know I still have a lot to learn.