Life is so Precious

Last Thursday I was cleaning my kitchen, and feeling accomplished because I had worked out that morning and had been productive most of the day, when I got a call from, my sister Desirae. As soon as she started talking I knew something was wrong, and I knew it had to do with Janet. At first, I thought she was joking, because my family is twisted that way, but her persistence made it clear that there was no joke in her words.

I had Carsten in my arms when she called, and as I fell to my knees in tears my sweet sympathetic baby started to cry with me. He looked at me with his sad, tear filled eyes, and I could see him questioning my sadness. I reassured him that everything was ok and his tears slowed, but I kept crying as Des told me how it happened, as my heart broke with each word. I couldn't stop thinking that this was all impossible, that Janet couldn't really be gone, and that the story was about some other person, a person that wasn't my sister.

The following hours and days consisted of decisions and funeral preparations. Talking to people on the phone, countless tears, and thousands of questions.  During it all I felt so much love and support from friends, family, and Heavenly Father. My mother-in-law sent a beautiful flower arrangement and even Peder's work sent use flowers of condolences and love. People have given generously to help fund my sister's funeral, which has been one of the most amazing gifts we could have received, because none of us were financial prepared for this. (https://www.gofundme.com/prpqhujw)

During all of this I have been reflecting back on my relationship with Janet. Janet was 8 years old when I was born. She was the oldest, and growing-up she was always very involved in sports and friends. One of my earliest memories with Janet was throwing a doll high chair at her because she had done something to make me mad. I remember her teaching me about heaven when my bunny died, and encouraging me to jump off the top of the very tall shed onto our trampoline. I remember her laughing and being the only one that could stand up to Joe. She taught me the importance of working hard for your dreams. Janet was always very talented at sports. She was a soccer star, track star, and basketball star. She was amazing! There was a lot of time when she was in high school that I don't remember spending much time with her and of course there are memories I would rather forget.

Before I left on my mission Janet and I were not super close. She had chosen to live a life I did not understand and I did not know how to talk to her. However, when I came home after 18 months in Africa, our relationship grew. We became close and talked all the time. It was a time of healing for both of us.

Leaving Janet and her new family was one of the hardest things for me to do. I knew we had to move to Cache Valley, but I spent many nights crying knowing that I had to leave my sister and the new bond that we had created. Every time we talked on the phone after we moved, I just wanted to pack up and go back to Idaho so I could be close to her again. I tried countless times to get her and her family to move down here, but it was fruitless because they had their life up there that they loved, but I missed her so much........

The last 6 months or so something was wrong. Janet was not her normal self. She was struggling, making bad choices, and causing pain to those who loved her. I didn't know how to help, no one knew how to help. It has been a hard road, this has been a hard time, but I will never forget Janet's easy laugh, and beautiful smile. I will remember her as I knew her happy, energetic, and always making jokes and silly voices. She was an amazing person, that despite her countless health issues, still found beauty in each day. I will miss her so much....... She never got to hold my babies, but I know that someday we will all be reunited. I know that she is with her favorite person in heaven, my sweet Grandma Virginia. I know that Grandma and Janet are laughing and Janet is singing, "Hey good look'n, what you got cook'n?" to Grandma, while Grandma is making silly faces. I know she is safe and free from pain. I know I will be with her again!

God be with you till we meet again......