I wonder if everyone has a moment in life when they realize that they really aren't good at anything..... It has hit me today, as I have been pondering my life, that I am not really good at one single thing. I am ok at a lot of different things, but there is not one thing that I excel at. I am ok at writing, singing, dancing, playing the piano, being nice to people, working, and playing sports. I have never really applied myself to anything for a long period of time.

I played the cello for a few years, but after a semester at college that fizzled out. I played soccer till I was in high school, but that to died. I never really tried hard to be good at pole vaulting or playing the french horn. I only gave the bare minimum in anyone of my classes and in the classes that I did try hard I only received ok marks. I excelled at fencing or plant identification. I only had an ok GPA in grad school and even my GRE scores were nothing to be admired. I can draw, but I gave that up because it took to much time. In a word I am Lazy!

Everywhere I look I see amazing cooks and motivational speakers. I see women who work hard at their jobs or at bettering their minds. I see women that look beautiful and now how to dress nice. I see women other people like to be around and invite to things because they are personable and friendly. Then I look in the mirror and see me. Plain old Jamilee, the girl that pretends is only good at one thing, pretending.

I know everything thinks," Oh, under the surface everyone is struggling and doesn't think they are good at anything." I say that is BS! Their are millions of people out there that are working hard at one thing and are doing amazing at it. There are people that don't give up because it is hard. Their are people out there that excel.

The way I see it there are people out there that are colorful and full of life and passion and then there is everyone else, people who are gray and dull full of nothing but failed attempts and little ambition.

"But Jamie you have a bachelors degree and your finishing your master's degree. You have ambition and drive."

No. All I have is a piece of paper that means that I did the bare minimum for three years and fooled them into letting me graduate. I want to be better than this. I want to be one of those colorful people that burst with passion. I want to let go of my laziness and achieve more in my life. I want to break free from my couch and TV stupor and be the solution!

I want to write well. I want to motivate out of love. I want to be a person that other like. I want to be beautiful and well dressed.

I think the real problem is that I have not found the thing that I am good at. I have been doing things that I thought I would like to do, but I have not found that one thing that I love to do.

I know this is supposed to be a blog about our family, but I guess this is turning into my personal page. I don't care if anyone reads this. In fact I am not even going to post this anywhere, but here.

I know that God loves me. I know I am good at things. I know that no matter what I am not a failure if I keep on doing what I can. I may not be good at everything that I want to be, but each day that I wake-up and start my day with a smile I am a better person for it.

I can be more and I can stop being lazy. It is time to let go of my desires for easy and relish in the hard... After all I don't want my children to always be looking for the easy way out. I want them to dive head first into challenges and find joy in the pain of hard work. I have to be that example.

The Mama Bear in Me

So ever since my sweet baby boys have come into this world I cannot handle seeing a baby get hurt. I am not just talking about human babies, but babies of any kind.....

I was watching the movie "Penguins of Madagascar" and the part where the penguin smacks a baby squid made me so sad! I am loosing my mind! 

I can't even watch videos on Facebook or Youtube were a baby is sad. I feel like that crazy cat lady on Youtube who cries because she loves cats so much..... I LOVE BABIES AND I JUST WANT TO HUG THEM AND LOVE THEM.

I think I am finally understanding what my mother meant when she said," you will only understand when you have your own kids." 

Well mom, I finally understand!!

When you become a mom emotionally, it opens a world you never thought existed. A desire to protect every little baby in the world all of a sudden comes out of no where and you find your heart breaking as a child suffers on a movie. You want to adopt all the children in the world that don't know love and you can't stand to think about killing pests because they might have babies that will die without their parents......

I say emotionally because being a mom is not just the physical fact that the baby came out of you, but the emotional connection you have to that baby. For some the emotional connection takes a bit and for others it happens the minute the doctor pulls the purple alien looking thing from the lower half. It took me a bit to be emotionally connected to my boys, about a week, but the overwhelming feeling of love is something that cannot be explained. My boys are my world and it is hard to think that I ever lived without them. I am a better person because of them.... So weird, yet so amazing!

On a different note Peder and I were looking at pictures form the day that our babies were born and I finally got them onto my computer so I am going to share them with you all today!!

  

Here is our baby Fynn! Wasn't he so cute!!! 

He is such a perfect little guy

I pretty sure he was wondering why I made him come out of his warm home.

They gave me Fynn just minutes after I had finished pushing out Carsten. Don't I look hot?!

My sweet little Carsten, well he was bigger than Fynn then. 

Just before they wheeled me out of the OR they gave me my two boys to hold as they took me to my recovery room. They are so small!!!

Here we are just chilling in the recover room after our first night tougher. Who is that hot lady in the bed, oh wait! That is me! ;) 

Fynn in his CUTE hat. He is so much bigger now. It is hard to believe he was ever this small. 

Carsten and his cute button nose!

The flowers I got from great people! Peder gave me ones on the left, then a good friend, who was in the hospital the same day I was having surgery on his leg, brought me the roses the same day he got out of surgery, and then my Aunt Jill gave me the ones on the right. 

What a great experience it is to be a mother. I feel sorry for those women who choose not to be a mother. They have no idea the love and joy they are missing out on. 

I Can Do Hard Things

Me Plus Two

My new life is something that no one could have prepared me for. My body is covered in dark purple stretch marks, my back side has grown two sizes, and my front "milk bags" are so large that I often feel like they are going to smack me in the face every time I go at a faster pace than a walk. I have to tiny babies that rely on me for everything and I am in diapers up to my eyeballs. 

The first two weeks after my babies were born I struggled with the stress of finishing my Master's degree and the baby blues. After I had finished my last final ever, I thought the baby blues would go away, and for for a while it did. Who knew that it was something that wasn't constant. This last week the blues hit me again and all of a sudden the cries of my babies are making me crazy. My heart hurts to think I could feel frustrated with my babies, how could I feel that way about my flesh and blood? Why am I not over the moon about my babies? Why can't I find happiness in every second with my children?

I feel like I should be able to handle two babies. Everyone says that I am so amazing and strong, but there are so many instance in my days that I don't feel so amazing or strong. There are days when I am over joyed the my babies are finally asleep for the night and at the same time dreading the next day knowing that it will all start again. Don't get me wrong I love my boys. Their sweet smiles and laughter make me so happy, but the change from being just a party of two to a party of four has shaken me. 

I always wanted children. There was no doubt that I would have then. I don't regret having kids either. These boys are my world, but going from a world were my life was lived from semester to semester and constantly changing to a world were everyday is pretty much like the next has just been a shock to the system. 

I have been so blessed to be surrounded by so many people willing to help me in this new life. My amazing husband who does all he can after working a 10 hour day and driving for 3 hours, sweet sisters in my ward who are so kind and willing to watch my boys so I can get things done, dear friends who drive from far away to help me because I can't do it alone. They say it takes a village to raise a child, but I feel like I need a small city to get the job done. I am learning that I cannot do it on my own and I am learning to ask for help. Help...... this has been a truly humbling experience for me.

The missionaries knocked on my door today and I could tell they didn't know that I was already a member as they did a door approach. They were sweet when they found out my husband was the ward mission leader and asked if they could share a scripture with me. It was in Alma were Aaron is teaching Lamoni's Father about the Gospel. It talked about Christ and how he is everything and without him we would be lost. I began to cry as my mind turned to my children and my frustration with myself. I have been relying on my own strength. Trying to do it all by myself..... It hit me that I don't have to do it by myself and that Christ is always there for me to help strengthen me so I can do hard things. I realized that I needed to stop thinking about how hard things were and how frustrated I was and let Christ lift me. 

On the mission I had to remind myself that I could do hard things as long as I relied on the strength of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Now I find myself in a similar situation were I have to do something hard and the Lord sent these missionaries to remind me that I can do hard things if I rely on a greater strength than my own. I can be a mother of twins, I can be a wife, sister, daughter, and friend. I can do all that is required of me and I can ask for help. Help doesn't mean I am weak, It just means there is somethings that I cannot do on my own and can be done if someone else comes to assist me. 

The baby blues will fade and I will find joy as I look to a greater power. I am a mother of two and I can do it not on my own! I am strong and amazing because others are strong and amazing! 

The Daily Pump

Everyday I feel like my soul is being sucked out of my body by a tiny little machine called a Freemie........

You never realize how much you are required to sacrifice to have kids until they are there in your arms looking at you and expecting you to feed them, change them, and cloth them every three hours. On top of that they want you to hold them and entertain them until they fall asleep. Sleep!! Sweet sleep, however their sleeping only means that now you have to hurry and do all the things you need to before they wake-up. Most of their sleeping hours consist of me sitting on my couch pumping....and pumping..... and pumping......
Once the soul sucking is over I have to rush and do the laundry or clean something so my house doesn't fill with clutter and start to stink, but really all I want to do is crash on the couch and sleep for the rest of my life. It is pretty exhausting being a new mother of two, but those moments don't mean anything when I see my sweet boys smile at me.

Fynn weighing in at 9 lbs. 10 oz

Carsten weighing in at 9 lbs

These boys are my world and I could not ask for a better one! They have been smiling and chatting for weeks! They love to talk to me or anyone that holds them. Sometimes they will just sit in their swings and chat at the sealing. Fynn rolled over from his back to his tummy last tuesday and every since then he keeps trying to roll. Carsten is still spitting up, but it is not as bad as it used to be so we are hoping he puts on some weight. They both sit up and stand up holding their heads high. They both want to be mobile so bad that sometimes they will fuss until you stand him up on your lap.

They are three months old today!!

I have heard it said many times that twins are hard the first year, but to me they have been so great! These two are some of the best babies a mother could ask for. They sleep through the night waking up at 6 or 6:30 a.m. They love going for walks in the stroller and enjoy laying out on a blanket in the shade watching the clouds go by. I could spend hours just holding them in my arms. 

I have changed so much as well. It's hard for me to watch parts in shows where little children are crying or hurt. My heart starts to hurt and then I just clutch my babies close. It is like the mama bear in me wants to protect all little children everywhere. I look at my boys and start to cry because they are so precious and they are mine. These two are growing up way to fast and it has only been three months. When we are away from them I never stop worrying about them or stop missing them. It's hard to really enjoy any kind of time form them because I am constantly thinking about them. 

God has blessed us so much! These boys have Peder and I wrapped around their fingers. What a great thing motherhood really is. Sure there are hard things like not working or being able to have time to myself, but I have the chance to raise children and to see them learn. There is nothing sweeter then watching someone learn something you taught them or watch them learn something good on their own. 

I couldn't do this without an amazing husband either. He works hard all day long and then comes home to two loud boys and a tired wife. He does dishes and takes care of the dogs. He helps with laundry and cleaning the house on his days off. He fulfills his callings and serves others with his talents. He hardly takes anytime for himself. He is my rock..... I could never ever ask for a better life than the one I have right now. God has given me so much and I can never, ever thank Him enough. 

What a Wonderful Life!

Our Birth Story

So it been a while since I last wrote anything and I really wanted to write down some events and feelings that I had while giving birth and becoming a new mom. 

The Beginning 

I had the hardest time sleeping the night before the boys came. I was so excited and nervous, ready to be done being pregnant and scared out of my mind to be a mother. I called the hospital at 5 a.m. on April 14th to schedule my induction. (I guess the hospital gets overwhelmed with pregnant ladies so they can't schedule a time till the day of the induction to make sure they can fit you in.....it's Utah..)

They told us to come in at 6:30 a.m. I didn't hesitate at that, the sooner the better! So we got up and got ready to go to the hospital. 

Once we got checked in and I had done the normal bathroom rituals they have you do I began the 12 hour journey of becoming a mother of two........

They started the petocin at 7 a.m. and I got an epidural at 9:45 a.m. I wanted to watch them give me the epidural, but they told me to put my head down and not move. They wouldn't even let Peder watch. I guess to many people have passed out. 

Our nurse was amazing!!! Her name was Lori and she was just so wonderful. If I could have her at every birth I have I would. No one tells you this, but you spend most your labor with the nurse and only 5 seconds with the person to whom all your money goes to. They nurse does everything but catch the baby and break your water. Lori was so gentle, kind, and attentive. I could not have asked for a better nurse. 

Once I got the epidural I felt it take affect immediately. First my left leg went numb then my right, all the feeling was gone below my belly button except my bottom. I felt like a druggy because I had to keep hitting the button to get a boost to my epidural so my bottom would stop hurting. It finally stopped and that's when I took a nap. 

I never thought I would take a nap while I was in labor, but really I didn't have anything else to do and I hadn't slept good the night before so I was grateful for the time to sleep. It was actually pretty relaxing laying there in bed. The movies always make it look like this sweaty, crazy experience, when in all reality it is pretty low key. 

They also don't tell you that as soon as your water breaks it doesn't stop flowing!! It just keeps coming and you constantly feels like your wetting yourself.   

Around 4:30 p.m. I was ready to start pushing. I pushed for an hour before they moved me into the the OR.....Have you ever been on an OR table? They are narrow and a little difficult to push on. I had to deliver in the OR just in case they had to do an emergency C-section. It had started snowing and I could see the tiny flakes fall through a window in the OR room. It gave me something to focus my mind on as it seemed the pushing would never end. I think the earth was celebrating the birth of my two angelic boys with a blanket of pure white snow. 

After about an hour in the OR pushing and almost falling of the skinny table Fynn's little head started to come out! They brought a mirror in for me to watch so I could see the progress I was making with each push. It was such an odd feeling seeing my babies be born... I felt a little detached, but as soon as the baby was out it was amazed! The doctor cut the cord and let me look at him. He was so tiny and blue, purple, and white. His cry was so sweet and all I could think was please let him be perfect. He was quickly whisked to a table near by, by one of the many people that were in the room to take care of my babies. 

I didn't have to much time to dwell on my first baby since I had one more little guy to push out. As I looked down I noticed a unbroken membrane sticking out.... this was not good. If the sack broke there was a chance that Carsten's umbilical cord would come down before his head and the doctor would have to operate. Knowing that I wanted to avoid a C-section at all possible she told me to push, hoping that if I break the other sake the head would come out before the cord. Well, it only took three pushes and my second son entered the world. This time Peder got to cut the cord. I felt like a deflated beach ball, but a happy one at that. 

As they cleaned Carsten they laid Fynn on my chest. I was overwhelmed with the sight of a healthy baby and still couldn't believe that he had just come out of me! It was all so unreal..... I was now a mother of two beautiful baby boys. They were so small and perfect..... my little burritos

Fynn was born at 6:45 p.m. weighing 5 lbs. 7 oz. 19 inches long

Carsten was born just 11 minutes later at 6:56 p.m. weighing 6 lbs. 4 oz. 19 inches long

Carsten

Fynn

We were in the hospital for the next two days and let me tell you I didn't want to leave. It was so nice being taken care of and I didn't mind being interrupted every three or so hours. They brought me food and water. I didn't have to clean, it was heavenly. The boys were so sweet and just the best babies. I saw a side of my husband that made me love him more. They way he talked to our boys and took care of them made my heart melt. He was to gentle and loving. Carsten was constantly throwing up his food and Peder's concern was so touching.
The first month I dealt with depression. I was so stressed with school, being a new mom, and having two crying babies. It was a tough struggle and the feelings were so weird. I didn't feel connected to my boys and I just wanted to runaway. Thankfully it passed and I could find happiness being a mom. It helped that the boys started sleeping through the night when they were 6 weeks old.
My mom, sister, mother-in-law, and sister-in-law came during the first month to help me out. My ward was so attentive and helpful. I could not have asked for a better support group then those that have helped me!

Two Months Later

Now my boys are two months old and the tiny little babies that we brought home from the hospital are so big. I can't believe how fast they have grown. They laugh, smile, frown, and make my heart melt. Fynn turned form his stomach to his back when he was 1 month old. They both have such strong necks and love to hold up their heads and look around. They will stand up and Fynn likes to walk up dad's chest one step at a time. I still can't believe that I am a mom and that these are my boys.
I lost most of my belly the first week after the boys were born and yesterday I finally fit into my pre-pregnancy fat pants! I am moving up! I am doing my best to exercise and eat healthy though I struggle to produce enough milk for both boys. It has been a long road of learning and I know I still have a lot to learn.  

37 Weeks at Last!

                         

         Well folks, it looks like the boys and I have made it to the end of the line. In a few short days, if the boys don't decide to come sooner, I will be induced and these little angels will be in my arms instead of in my belly.
         It's been a few weeks since I last wrote in my blog so I thought I would do a little updating...

I had beautiful maternity pictures taken by Melissa Blue, one of the most amazing women I know, out at Antelope Island. It was a perfect day for pictures!

Here is our little family! Josie and Fia did so good :)

This is Peder's favorite picture

This is my all-time favorite picture

On March 9th,  Peder and I celebrated TWO years of marriage!!!! As a present to me Peder had me get my hair cut and dyed...... I had it dyed dark because Peder has always wanted me to, thought it has been hard to get used to since I have always been on the blond side of things. I like it now :)

 On March 24th, I presented my thesis to my committee and after a few hours of talk and discussion I became Master Holmstead!!! Can you believe they actually passed off my thesis...?! I still in shock and awe.... Now on to the revisions and submission to the College of Graduate Studies for formatting approval. Let's hope all goes well.

Here I am at 37 weeks..... I have gown an inch around my belly since my baby shower..... I feel large and in charge...... well, mostly just large, but it is very worth it. I have to attend my theory class via Skype because I am to large to fit in the desks... Oh,well I get to go to class in the comfort of my own home and it is pretty great! I do miss my classmates though....

I no longer believe people when they tell me that the babies will start moving less the longer your pregnant. These boys never stop moving, which I love.... most of the time. Carsten still loves to put his feet right under my ribs and Fynn likes to hit my nerves with his little head which sends a shock through my body, not very comfortable.... 

I can't wait for these boys to come out. I don't believe it when people say,"enjoy them when they are in because it is easier when they are in then when they are out." People who say that have never been pregnant with twins.... Ya, I know there is a lot more to deal with when they come out, but at least I will be able to bend over and not suffocate and get up with out needing a small crane to assist in lifting me, walk more than ten feet without being winded, and sleep in my own bed instead of the on the couch. Sleep is already a thing of the past so that wont be a problem. Diapers and feedings will take some getting used to, but I am up for the challenge!

Just one more week and I will be a mom......The idea is so foreign to me and yet so exciting! I will get to hold and take care of two beautiful wrinkled baby boys that Heavenly Father has trusted Peder and I with, to teach and love, support and nourish, keep safe and not loose..... Two little faces to kiss, four little hands to hold, two little smiles to cherish, two little bodies to love. Sometimes I think Heavenly Father is crazy for trusting us with these boys, but He knows something we don't and I can't wait to find out what that is.

 I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!   

30 and 31 Weeks... False Alarm

30 Weeks

31 Weeks

How Big are Babies: Fynn is 3.5lbs and Carsten is 3.6lbs, and growing!!

Weight Gain: A lot.... :)

Sleep: Still on the couch and sleep....well, I am not sure what that is.... my body is just prepping me for when the boys come I guess....

Cravings: The sweets train is still in that station! Let me eat Hot Fudge Sundays!!

Feelings: Life has been so great! I have been blessed with a great husband that is so helpful and wonderful. My thesis is now completely written and in the revision stage!! March 24th is when I defend.... This is a very relieving feeling!

Appointment This Week: Well, today we had a little run to the hospital to make sure that I wasn't going into labor... I was having contractions 2 minutes apart and having craps, but.......It all looks good, just have a little infection that will be cured with antibiotics. We meet with the doctor this Friday so lets hope she doesn't call for bed rest.  

This is my beautiful self at the hospital today

Here is Peder being so wonderful and waiting with me at the hospital

Gender: Still two squirmy twin boys that like to do cartwheels and play with my ribs.

Best Moment of the Week: My 3:30 a.m. walk-up when one of my best friends scared me to death by breaking in to my kitchen. Melissa Strunk, Teresa Sanchez, and Allison Davenport drove all the way down from Moscow, ID to come and celebrate at my baby shower!!! 

Other Top Moments:

- The most amazing baby shower ever! Thank you to JoAnn, the sisters, and Sarah Champion for the great food. My sweet Aunt Jill and cousins Rachel and Keri for the beautiful decorations, and Melissa Strunk and Teresa Sanchez for the fun games. So many people came to party with us and it was just the best day ever!!

- Seeing my sweet sister-in-law who came all the way from Cali to celebrate and watching her little girl run around the party.... she was so funny!

 My friend Carrie and I

- The surprise party that Allison, Corinne, Teresa, and I threw for Melissa! We had so much fun! Peder even participated! 

This was one of the games we played at the bridal shower. Each team had to make a wedding dress out of toilet paper. Peder and I were the dummies. 

Worst Moment of the Week:

-Going to the hospital....Kind of scared me...A lot!

Looking Forward To:

- Defending my thesis!!

- My two year anniversary 

- Giving birth to my beautiful squirmy boys

- Graduating!!!!

Random Thoughts:

- None that I can think of... my memory is getting worse...