I Can Do Hard Things

Me Plus Two

My new life is something that no one could have prepared me for. My body is covered in dark purple stretch marks, my back side has grown two sizes, and my front "milk bags" are so large that I often feel like they are going to smack me in the face every time I go at a faster pace than a walk. I have to tiny babies that rely on me for everything and I am in diapers up to my eyeballs. 

The first two weeks after my babies were born I struggled with the stress of finishing my Master's degree and the baby blues. After I had finished my last final ever, I thought the baby blues would go away, and for for a while it did. Who knew that it was something that wasn't constant. This last week the blues hit me again and all of a sudden the cries of my babies are making me crazy. My heart hurts to think I could feel frustrated with my babies, how could I feel that way about my flesh and blood? Why am I not over the moon about my babies? Why can't I find happiness in every second with my children?

I feel like I should be able to handle two babies. Everyone says that I am so amazing and strong, but there are so many instance in my days that I don't feel so amazing or strong. There are days when I am over joyed the my babies are finally asleep for the night and at the same time dreading the next day knowing that it will all start again. Don't get me wrong I love my boys. Their sweet smiles and laughter make me so happy, but the change from being just a party of two to a party of four has shaken me. 

I always wanted children. There was no doubt that I would have then. I don't regret having kids either. These boys are my world, but going from a world were my life was lived from semester to semester and constantly changing to a world were everyday is pretty much like the next has just been a shock to the system. 

I have been so blessed to be surrounded by so many people willing to help me in this new life. My amazing husband who does all he can after working a 10 hour day and driving for 3 hours, sweet sisters in my ward who are so kind and willing to watch my boys so I can get things done, dear friends who drive from far away to help me because I can't do it alone. They say it takes a village to raise a child, but I feel like I need a small city to get the job done. I am learning that I cannot do it on my own and I am learning to ask for help. Help...... this has been a truly humbling experience for me.

The missionaries knocked on my door today and I could tell they didn't know that I was already a member as they did a door approach. They were sweet when they found out my husband was the ward mission leader and asked if they could share a scripture with me. It was in Alma were Aaron is teaching Lamoni's Father about the Gospel. It talked about Christ and how he is everything and without him we would be lost. I began to cry as my mind turned to my children and my frustration with myself. I have been relying on my own strength. Trying to do it all by myself..... It hit me that I don't have to do it by myself and that Christ is always there for me to help strengthen me so I can do hard things. I realized that I needed to stop thinking about how hard things were and how frustrated I was and let Christ lift me. 

On the mission I had to remind myself that I could do hard things as long as I relied on the strength of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Now I find myself in a similar situation were I have to do something hard and the Lord sent these missionaries to remind me that I can do hard things if I rely on a greater strength than my own. I can be a mother of twins, I can be a wife, sister, daughter, and friend. I can do all that is required of me and I can ask for help. Help doesn't mean I am weak, It just means there is somethings that I cannot do on my own and can be done if someone else comes to assist me. 

The baby blues will fade and I will find joy as I look to a greater power. I am a mother of two and I can do it not on my own! I am strong and amazing because others are strong and amazing!